7 Key Points: Games People Play
'Games People Play' is a 1964 psychology book about Transactional Analysis by Dr. Eric Berne.
I picked this book because of my interest in Social Games and related philosophy. I was not expecting anything in particular from this book. The index contains the technical names of the social games people play and talk to their psychologists about.
It was fascinating, and I thought I would learn something about what to do in different situations. However, as it turns out, most of the games discussed in the book are problematic (except for the last part, where the author talks about good games).
The book mainly teaches why people stay in problematic social situations despite pain and suffering without finding a solution to these problems. This sounds very counterintuitive, but it's very accurate. The peculiarities of our personality sometimes become our prison.
I don't want to reveal all the details of the book here. I don't even want to present a summary. My objective is to inspire people to read the book and draw conclusions. So, I will only tease a few points that surprised me while reading the book:
- An Example
An example of a game in the book is "If it weren't for you." In this game, a woman marries a man because he has a dominating personality. The man pressures his wife not to take up any jobs and focus on domestic work. They fight occasionally about this but continue to live in this environment.
The surprise here is that the woman did not marry the man because she gets pleasure from the fights. Or she wanted to punish herself.
She gets her kick from discussing her situation in her social circle. She wants to tell people she has a lot of potential, but her husband is not letting her realize that potential.
In reality, she also knows that she lacks the confidence to make it out there. And if the husband did allow her to work, she would probably not do a great job—or at least not be willing to do so.
The husband is playing his own game and is afraid of abandonment.
- Stroking
Dr. Berne says that Stimulus-hunger is just as bad for a human being as hunger. A person may become weak and eventually die if they do not get nutrition for long. The same thing happens to our brain in the absence of a stimulus.
Stroking is the attention given to us by other human beings. It is common in infants when parents pat the child continuously. It reassures them about their existence and importance.
The same thing is essential for us when we grow up. However, we do not take this attention in the form of patting. We take the form of activities like rituals, times, games, and intimacy.
- Parent, Child, and Adult
Every person has three personalities in them.
Parents are part of the personality that we take from our parents. It behaves in the way that our parents used to behave.
Child is the part of our personality that we had when we were children or how our parents taught us to be. This part of our personality wants to come out whenever there is a safe environment. This is usually what we mean when we say, 'Be yourself.'
Adult is the personality that we develop as we grow. It is a reflection of who we want to be. This personality is in charge of making adult relationships of all sorts. Usually, this personality is in charge of a healthy adult. Usually, this is what we refer to as being mature.
- Function of Games
Dr. Berne mentioned that we need stroking to survive. The stroking can take various forms, but generally, what we are seeking is a place of intimacy. An environment that is safe enough for the child in us to come out and do whatever it wants to do is a place of intimacy.
However, due to unpleasant exposure in our formative days, some of us become afraid of intimacy. We think that it might not be prudent to bring our child out. Hence, we avoid intimacy.
But we still need to be assured of our existence (stroking). Hence, we get it through by playing social games. Even though the surface conversation looks like an Adult-Adult conversation in these games, the psychological conversation is Parent-Child or Child-Child. This is a hidden of our inner child to come out and the stimulation it seeks.
- Types of Games
Dr. Berne has described many types of games in the book. I will not define them here. But the book categorises them into:
- Life Games
- Marital Games
- Party Games
- Sexual Games
- Underworld Games
- Consulting Room Games
- Good Games
Usually, people can identify other players who play similar games without any conversation. They can pick it up by body language. They search for people interested in playing similar games and try to engage with them.
- The Sulk and The Jerk
Usually, an unhealthy Child's personality develops into a Sulk. These persons are generally angry at their mother or father for various reasons in their childhood. As the name suggests, these persons sulk, and they expect to be given something in exchange for not sulking.
Another personality type is Jerk, which is usually found in everyone to some degree. These people are not able to express their Child persona easily and are hampered by parental influences.
The goal of a healthy life, as described by Dr. Berne, is to give a healthy divorce to your parents so that these influences can be curbed.
- Autonomy
Dr. Berne says that the goal of an Adult life is to develop Autonomy. It has 3 parts:
- Awareness - The power to be in the present. To be here in the moment, gather the data without worrying about the past and future.
- Spontaneity is the power to express one's own feelings. It can only happen if you focus on what you are feeling right now. This is also the opposite of an urge to play games.
- Intimacy is the ability to be candid, to be original, and to let the Child within be free.
PS: This article is about my interpretation of the book's concept. I am not a professionally trained psychologist. I wanted to write this as a layman so that other laymen can benefit from reading this and the book. As such, I may have made some mistakes in interpreting the technical terms of the book, and this article might contain some minor errors that are not deliberate.